What Defines Us?
This week I got the privilege to speak to a group of absolutely precious but troubled young teenage girls. They started off by introducing themselves and telling me a couple of things that defines who they are. A couple of the girls said they were nice but could be really mean, another girl defined herself as a brat. I asked them to go home and think about the words they used to describe themselves and figure out if that's really who they wanted to be......
What really does define us? Is it our choices, our actions, our mistakes, our achievements, or is it what others tell us we are?
Here's what I've learned....
Three years ago on Feb. 5, 2009 my father passed away from cancer. Up to this point my life really was pretty great...now don't get me wrong, I struggled with things, but things were really going just rather smoothly and I was happy. I told myself I was ok, I knew this was God's will, I knew that my dad was home, and I knew that this is life and death happens. But what I didn't know is who I really was.
About a year after my father's passing, I started struggling with his death. I became depressed...it was a gradual onset, and I knew it was happening, but I chose to sweep it under the rug and continue on like I was fine. I started becoming more irritable, more impatient, more angry, more bitter. I lashed out at things and people for petty reasons, and before I knew it I was spiraling out of control. Now I will insert here that years prior I had dealt with a bout of depression, not as serious, but depression none the less. Back then I also dismissed what was going on, but I did come out of it and life went on. This time however, I clung...no, not clung, I had a death grip on people. I reached out to all the wrong places to make myself feel better. I tried to control not only my every thought, action, and word, but everyone else's too. I did this because I knew I was losing control.
Now let me say here, this is not easy to write. I have pride like everyone else, and I want people to think I have it together...we all want that. But you know, who cares, let's be honest, who freakin' cares what people think....NONE of us have it together...so why not share with each other our true stories, our true feelings, and our true emotions...yes it's easier to get hurt this way...but it's our story. We may not be necessarily proud of everything in our story, but our story moves us in the direction of what defines us.
So, as I was saying, my depression started about a year after my father's death. The two years that followed...HELL ON EARTH! There are SO many things that I would change from the last two years, but I can't, but you know what I can do? I can move forward, I can learn from my mistakes, I can help others, and I can let God take the most embarrassing, utterly painstaking experiences I have ever dealt with and allow Him to make them beautiful.
As I sit here this weekend and reflect on the last three years, I am met with a great deal of sadness, but also a great deal of joy. I still struggle. I not only mourn the loss of my father, but I also mourn the loss of so many people that are no longer in my life, and lastly I mourn the loss of the girl I was before...I liked her :) I'd be lying if I said I was ok...I'm not, there are still moments of anger that I have to pray desperately hard to get through, but He gets me through it and I know one day those feelings will be gone. Now with that said, I do also find great joy in learning who I really am and who He is creating me to be. Knowing that my God is so gracious and merciful that He would allow me the opportunity to share my story with others. He has allowed me to look in a girl's face that is thinking of suicide and tell her she is not alone, and then get to tell her it will get better, but she has to be willing to fight like hell to do it. God is there and though it's not easy, He will bring her through it, but she has to be willing to cling to Him...no one else! And then I also find great joy in the people He has so faithfully brought into my life...the ones who know my story, know my weaknesses, my flaws, and still love me....and He has allowed my heart to be filled with love and excitement for them.
Life is a journey, or better yet a marathon. We smile, cry, sweat, fall down, get back up, want to quit, press forward, get dirty, get tired, feel alone, feel overwhelmed, stink really bad, and hope and pray that when we finish the race, there are still people left cheering us on. Of course even if we are the last one across the finish line and everyone has given up and gone home...we know that our Lord is still there jumping up and down in excitement for us because He never leaves, He is always there, He loves us, and He's proud of us.
So what defines us? It's not the accomplishments, or the mistakes, or the mountain moments, or the absolute disasters....it's what we do with all of that, it's how we press forward, it's our determination that no matter what, God loves us and no matter how long it takes we will "press on toward the prize for which Christ Jesus has called us heavenward."
That is what defines us.
